


"Do you ever get sad?"

by RaspberryDawn



Category: Smosh
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, References to Depression, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 17:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7446991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaspberryDawn/pseuds/RaspberryDawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A very apt question when you worry about your boyfriend because he's a comedian, but seems too happy sometimes. Way too happy, and he won't answer without telling a joke first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Do you ever get sad?"

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you saw the tags but I will reiterate, this is teen-rated because of mentions and allusions to depression and suicide. Nothing happens, and it's just a talking process, but if you're sensitive to talks of depression or suicide I'd advise you maybe not read.
> 
> That said, I still have three other Shaynenoah fics to write and I wrote this instead! Fuck.
> 
> There is an actual thing with Shayne and/or Noah that inspired this fic - bbbbut I'd rather let your imagination go wild if you don't know, sorry.

The world we live in today is a rather complicated one. It may be more appropriate to say that the world has always been complicated, but today is when we start noticing it more so. This, today, and every new day as the day starts opens our eyes.

People may have thought it unthinkable not so long ago that comedians would purposely commit suicide. No, a comedian dies of a drug overdose from cocaine and it's justified. It's justified because they must have done the drugs to stay on the top, a tale of another Hollywood star fizzled out. If they had even made it to Hollywood in the first place. If they had not, it made their story tragic too, yes, but in an entirely different way.

Psychologists have had theories about it all for a while though. Still, not that long, and not as many as there are today. 'When people are sad, they may become people-pleasers'. 'When people are sad, they may ignore their own basic needs to focus on someone else'. 'When people are sad, they laugh a lot and they like to make others laugh a lot.' 

No one should have needed to say when people are sad, even if they are humorous, they may kill themselves – like any sad person may do. Any person with the profound sense of sorrow that grips them could do it. It still is quite the shocker though, comedians can be depressed too. 

None of this is to say that on this day, Shayne Topp was depressed. He felt pretty okay, actually. No intense swing of joy but nothing else either. There was a slight feeling of coming home after a particularly long shoot and showering, stripping in to pajamas and laying around a little bit. He would allow himself laziness occasionally, it just needed to be done to keep his well-being going.

A day like today was a day like it had been the past four months or so. There were slight differences, of course, there always were in life, but he had moved on from the stage of falling asleep with his phone as he texted Noah. Now he could actually be half asleep in bed, with a tank top on and loose shorts with the taller kid craned into the nook of his side. 

He fit well there.

They had decided to go to Shayne's together after work, and Noah had a few things around Shayne's place even that if he needed it, there it'd be. It was almost like since they started dating, since they started a relationship, Noah frequently was halfheartedly trying to move in by really actually accidentally leaving things over at the brunette's place.

It was normal though now, a normal day, with Shayne having an arm around Noah's shoulders. Noah had both hands on his phone, Shayne had one hand on a book flipped open. His eyelids were getting heavy.

There was just soft music wafting from the speakers of Noah's phone, the indie tunes rather relaxing. So while it wasn't something Shayne had much a thought on, it was inoffensive enough to not care much.

Shayne jolted up a little bit though when the music stopped, it had been helping him to reach the soft sort of surreal feel where time could just melt away. There was something on the raven haired teen's mind though, and he wasn't about to keep so quiet anymore.

“Do you ever get sad?”

His thumbs stopped with whatever conversation he had been having, his lock screen showing on his phone by the time Shayne looked down. Noah was sunk in and comfortable to the bed, and meanwhile Shayne was lifted just a little higher than him. It was a silly question, really, and both of them knew it.

“Like, currently how you have no idea I'm so sad about ending this book? That kind of sad?”

“Are you actually sad about the book?”

“I guess not, there's another one I've been wanting to read too.”

“Be serious.”

It was the only small quiet plead that Shayne needed to hear, and he immediately turned down his sarcasm meter a bit. He held Noah a bit tighter, he assured him. There was so many directions his mind could go with this, and he was worried one wrong thing and Noah wouldn't speak again about what was on his mind. 

In his mind for right now, he was ready to get a speech ready to stop Noah from jumping off a ledge.

“Well, then yeah. Sure. I've been sad plenty of times.”

“Are you depressed?”

He balked at the idea, his facial expressions twisting a bit in to confusion. There was his eye that was scrunched, his eyebrow that was raised, the corner of his lip that was turned up and the way that he directed his look at the dark eyed guy but not really at him.

“What, now? What, no. I'm okay – is this about me, even? Is there something you want to say?”

Noah had been trying to say it for a while. Sometimes he practiced it to himself, knowing that no one would take notice or see him around the office if he did it. A quick point to himself, crossing his arms over his chest – and it Shayne was in view, he could say what he wanted without words. Just a quick secret for himself.

“I guess, yeah. I just want to make sure you're okay. Sometimes you act a little weird.”

“Noah Grossman is telling me I act weird.”

“You make everything a joke.”

Shayne just tried to calm himself down, but he had to kind of reluctantly agree on that part there.

“I read from somewhere today that the more people crack wise and do all that shit, it means they have their own stuff. Not always, but, you asked me out and when I was surprised you acted like it was a joke. The first time we kissed, it was a joke, the first time you said I could just stay over; I just want to know what your deal is.”

“My deal? That's... That's kind of a weird way to say it, don't you think?”

Noah responded non-verbally, his eyes looking around as he shook his head. Shayne sunk in to the bed and just worried if he ever had made Noah worry.

“I thought you, well, you think I'm funny, right? I'm... the funny guy.”

It was like an absolute answer, and Noah discarded his phone. He leaned over and held on tightly to Shayne's opposite side, setting his head down against the messy mop of gold and brown hair.

“I do like it! You're so fucking hilarious, you always make me laugh, I love being around you.” His voice was getting steadily quieter. He may look at the older man and see someone who exuded and exemplified joie de vivre, but he did worry when he saw a distant look in the steel blue eyes or catch something he said that sounded just a little off. “There isn't a thing about you I don't like, I even love you.”

They weren't looking one another in the eyes, or they'd see just how much they had both frozen up. Noah's fingers gripped at the white cotton fabric so tight his nails were turning white and Shayne turned his eyes downcast, if just for a second.

“Then what's the problem?”

The lithe, tiny guy was curling around him, enveloping him in a human cocoon of another person. There was only so much that Noah could cover up of him, but he tried to tangle their bodies together best he could.

“Problem is, if you seem sad, you don't talk about it, I don't know what to do.”

Shayne wasn't able to talk even before Noah continued.

“I'm not even sure about what you did, who you were with. You don't talk about a lot of stuff. I accept you for who you are, but, I just want to make sure you're not about to walk in to the LA river with cement boots on.”

“The LA river doesn't have any water in it, Noah.”

“What river have you thought of then?”

“What – Jesus Christ, no. I haven't. Don't say that.”

“You haven't? I thought everyone, at least once, you know, they think about their own mortality and stuff.”

Oh, how easy would it be to grab the wheel of the car and twist it away hard. How easy it would be to fall over off the pier by 'accident'. Maybe, it's the fact that these are a lot of blue capsules to help me sleep, but how many?

Those kind of things though, even though they sometimes found their way rather invasive in to Noah's thoughts they didn't exactly reach Shayne on the same frequency.

“I do, just today I was thinking.”

He was waiting to elaborate, waiting for the right words, but he was getting tired. The feeling of being tired, warm, a loving body pressed against him, well it was too much. There wouldn't be the right words for it.

If he tried again to weasel his way out with a joke too, he'd be scolded surely, and rightfully so.

“When we walked back from lunch, I thought what would happen if you tripped on the curb, fell in the street. I didn't like the thought, so I don't want to think about it, Noah, and now you're asking.”

His voice was getting to a whisper but Noah was surprised. He looked down, locked eyes with a slightly frustrated boyfriend, and things were a mystery there.

“That isn't... It's not really your own mortality.”

“But that's what I do anyway.” Shayne spit out the words quickly, glancing away and back up. “Let a car come try to run me over, but if that happened to you! It makes me sad, yeah. It bothers me, yeah, but, I don't have worries like that much anymore.”

“So you used to have them a lot? Why would you think that though?”

“I've always fucking worried.” He exhaled deep from his lungs, a haughty laugh, disbelief in himself that he would admit it or say anything at all. “Last time I had someone I loved, I ruined it by being too worried by stuff like that. It's like in my mind, I've seen everyone I love dead at least once, probably many, many more times, but I really worked on trying to fix those thoughts.”

“You saw someone? You – you do love me.”

“Even before I loved you, I loved you in a way, it's all the same, okay? However I got help doesn't matter, but I did, and I just get worried sometimes. So yeah, Noah, I get sad. It's not all the time but even when things are great I can get worried and sad – so, tell me, do you get sad?”

Noah pulled his head away, released his grasp just a bit. He turned and set his head on the pillow besides Shayne's, and he didn't even have to spend his time musing.

“I got sad – I was worried you didn't love me. Well, that you wouldn't actually love me.”

“It's harder to hate someone than love them.”

“Alright there, Flitz. But... you're so great. You're amazing, it's like the world exists today because of you, but I guess at the end of the day everyone's human...”

Shayne had to tilt his head, and while he was doing so anyway he gave a sweet, small, chaste kiss to Noah. Sad was a code word for something they both meant that had a much deeper meaning and they knew it.

“If you ever get depressed, you can tell me.”

“I know. And you know the same goes for you, right?”

“Mmm. Mhm.”

He was ready to sleep already. This kind of stuff did drain him, there was a reason he funneled the energy he had in to making others and himself smile.

When people are in love, they can have the habit of just wanting to protect their partner from any horrible thing the world can offer. People can love and they can love too much, too deep, too richly. 

Love causes all sorts of other emotions, and while love can make you a little less sad there are those who realize one day it will likely make you feel a lot more sad. Until that happened, though, Shayne had resolved long ago that you had to love and live simultaneously anyway. Make things the best you can.

Noah turned back on his indie music, playing a sweet and soft ethereal tune that barely filled the room it was so quiet. There was a quiet actual whispered declaration of 'I love you' between the both of them even, and in the warm weather their bodies against each other were a little too warm but neither would move.

Normally, Shayne couldn't sleep with music on, either. On this day though, he let it go to fall in to a restful sleep.


End file.
